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8 Ways to spot a Karen

Entry Name: Karen

One of the unique features of humanity on the planet Earth is the brief emergence of subtypes of human creatures. The human creatures often call these subgroups or stereotypes. While other civilizations throughout the galaxy pride themselves on their ability to remain consistent throughout time, Earthlings are known the galaxy over for being consistently inconsistent.

As a species they change rapidly over time, developing new personality quirks and making prolonged contact with the planet nearly impossible as the Earthlings are never satisfied and reinvent themselves every generation.

One particularly annoying reinvention comes in the subtype known simply as Karen. Taken from a name popular for the generation that spawned this subtype, a Karen is sad embodiment of some of the worst characteristics of humanity.

She is entitled, believes money equates to the worth of the individual holding it, has little regard for those of a lower social stature than herself, and flies into absolute rage at the slightest inconvenience. These inconveniences can include her coffee being two degrees colder than she prefers, being informed that her coupon has expired, or seeing a person of a different race barbecuing in a public park.

She is known for her bad hair and deplorable taste in clothing. In social stature, she is what the Americans call “upper middle class,” but carries herself like a rich socialite who would only wear coats made out of the fur of freshly skinned baby kittens if she could actually afford such. She is fully financed by her mate and therefore believes herself to be far wealthier and far more important than she actually is. Consequently, she has no concept of the value of a dollar as she has never earned one in her life.

As far as transport, she drives a gargantuan automobile that is larger and more massive than the ships in the Norabian Intergalactic Star Fleet. Unlike the ships in the Norabian Intergalactic Star Fleet, she does not own her craft, rather the bank owns it and her mate pays for it in 84 convenient payments.

When she feels inconvenienced, the Karen immediately resorts to her only defense mechanism. She asks to speak to a manager.

In case this description does not paint a clear enough picture of a basic Karen (and all Karens are all basic) the editor’s of The Guide have studied this subgroup tirelessly to provide every hitchhiker who may visit Earth during the next 25 years a handy way to spot a Karen in the wild.

How to spot a Karen in the wild

  • The hair should be a dead giveaway. Karens only have one hair style. Much like Karen’s personality it is over-done, high maintenance and treacherously bad. Generally, speaking the Karen haircut is short in the back, longer in the front and angled to the side. If her mouth didn’t screech “I need to speak to a manager,” her hair would go right on ahead and do that.
  • The coffee tumbler. Karens always go around with a coffee tumbler regardless of time of day. If it is morning, assume the tumbler actually has coffee in it. If it is past 10:30 a.m., the tumbler contains vodka.
  • Bottled Water. If Karen is going to depart from her coffee or day-drinking, she will most assuredly be drinking bottled water. The Karen’s lips cannot dare touch tap water or she might melt like the witches of Oz, who are rumored to melt at the slightest touch of water.
  • She wants to speak to a manager. This, of course, is the calling card of the Karen. At even the slightest hint of besmirchment, even if she has managed to besmirch herself, Karen’s quest will be to locate and accost a manager in whatever environment she finds herself in at the time of besmirchment. She will scream, screech and sigh loudly until she succeeds in her quest.
  • Contempt for the working class. Because she has never done any real or meaningful work in her life, Karen resents those who must dirty their fingernails by working. She holds anyone who can’t find a mate to fully support them in great contempt and treats them as someone who falls in the “other” category. This, of course, is why she must needs speak to a manager. Those she looks down on have nothing to offer her.
  • Indoor Sunglasses. Fun Fact. Due to the harsh rays of the Earth’s yellow sun and the thinness of its atmosphere, many people wear sunglasses to shield their eyes from the sun. It is generally deemed appropriate to wear sunglasses outdoors, but to take them off indoors as sunglasses indoors make one look like a pompous ball of hot air. Karens do not abide by this practice and continue to wear their sunglasses at all times. While this was first thought to be a compliment to their trademark hair, new research has revealed that because Karens begin their alcohol consumption before 1 p.m., they simply live their lives with a constant hangover and all light hurts.
  • Expired Coupons. Karens only use two forms of currency. A credit card supplied to them by their mate and an expired coupon. The expired coupon is the chief reason Karen will need to speak to a manager because she cannot fathom why a promotional marketing technique designed to get her to spend more money at a store would not be honored two decades past its expiration date.
  • Misplaced Power. Anyone who observes a Karen for any length of time will recognize that she has no influence or skills. However, she believes she wields limitless power. This is obvious to spot in the way she carries herself and in the manner in which she treats other people. When she feels attacked, she will threaten to speak to a manager, call police, have her “very influential” husband make a few calls to “ruin you” or begin name dropping real or perceived acquaintances. Should you ever dare to call her bluff, she will huff and stomp away. This is the Karen equivalent of slamming a door when no door is available to slam.

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