Early human conception regarding trolls was that they were tiny, wild-haired unkempt creatures who were clearly descended from some sort of wild boar and who made their homes under bridges.
Whether or not these creatures existed beyond folklore remains to be seen, much like the mythical trolls themselves.
When humans actually encountered real trolls, they were shocked to find that these trolls were actually other humans who only act like unkempt wild boars and who reside in the comments section of every YouTube video.
Trolls, it seems, have been hiding in plain view for centuries, but did not make themselves known until the invention of the Internet and more importantly the comments section on Internet websites.
The first thing you need to know about trolls is that they have even more limited cranial capacity than the average human child. So limited is their brain function that they were not able at an early age to identify lowercase letters, and therefore only bother with capitals. They also are not terribly big fans of punctuation, grammar, spelling or any other language tool that indicates intelligence.
They can frequently be found underneath your favorite YouTube videos with asinine comments like “FIRST!” and “UR A MORAN,,!”
Some Internet trolls are not trolls at all, but people mimicking them just “for teh lulz.”
At any rate, should you encounter a troll it is best to simply disengage. Engaging with a troll is known as feeding the troll and the first rule of the Internet is to never feed the trolls. They thrive on attention and feedback and to starve them of that is to force them to reconsider their life choices, move out of their parents basement and invest in outerwear of some kind.
Trolls can be found everywhere on the Internet, and at times it is hard even for the most skilled citizens of the Internet to identify. Fear not though, the editors of The Guide have put together a few key markers of trolls to help you spot them and starve them promptly.
How to Spot A Troll
- ALL CAPS. It’s a dead giveaway
- On Twitter, look for either no profile picture or a picture of an Eagle
- On forums, comments and message boards, they like to sport their .ru address. This means they are a professional troll residing in Russia.
- They respond only in memes
- Three word replies
- Deals exclusively in rumor, conjecture, conspiracy theories, and junk science.
- Can’t spell simple words like moron, idiot, and dumb.
- Begins comments with a compliment on the quality of the article or website and then launches into a nonsensical novelette about God-only-knows-what before throwing in a link or a plug for a product.
- Stokes political fires by arguing on one platform or website on one side of a political issue and then the other side on another platform or website.
- Has a ton of Twitter followers, but no substance whatsoever to their tweets.
- Somehow manages to fit every logical fallacy into 280 characters.
- Considers YouTube to be a source of legitimate information.
- So. Much. Gaslighting.
- Hasn’t posted anything for two years and suddenly activates when there is a hot political issue that they simply must comment on ever two seconds for five days straight.
If you have any other markings of an Internet troll, please leave them in the comments below and we’ll gladly add the worthwhile ones to this list. However, please don’t troll the comments. If you do, know that we will not feed you.
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