For those who are unfamiliar with the concept of a hitchhiker’s guide, or who do not understand sarcasm, the primary purpose of this website is humor or parody. While the information here can and should be informative, it should also be taken with a rather large grain of salt.

    Should you find anything in The Guide that you disagree with or in fact know to be false, please do remember the golden rule first laid out in The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, “The Guide is definitive. Reality is frequently inaccurate.”

Is the Earth really ‘mostly harmless?’

Entry Name: Earth

Initially thought to be “mostly harmless,” the planet Earth is still considered to be of considerably less harm to the civilized galaxy than other planets and civilizations of its size.

Though some observers have criticized the inhabitants of the planet, known locally as humans, for their oft-stated belief that they may be alone in the universe, some understanding is required as to why the humans believe this and why despite billions of years of evolutionary progress they have yet to engage with any other civilizations.


The first thing any hitchhiker thinking about visiting the planet should know is that the inhabitants of the Earth believe their planet to be the most beautiful planet in the galaxy, and upon visiting the strange blue orb they call home, one is sure to agree — unless of course one’s first visit is to the armpit of the planet, located in the state of New Jersey in the nation of the United States of America.

All other places on the planet are among the most beautiful of any planet on the galaxy.

The beauty of the Earth is one major factor in humankind’s lack of awareness of other civilizations. While most of the galaxy is born in a dark rocky place that is usually either insanely hot or prohibitively cold, the planet Earth is filled with lush grassland, soft sandy areas, temperate zones, and sparkling water that covers 75% of the planet.

Even the dirt of the Earth is beautiful, in fact it is so rare and amazing that the humanoids actually named their planet one of their earliest words for “dirt.”

Staying on Earth

While humans spent centuries fascinated with the heavens, and in fact lived under the misguided belief that the galaxy existed for them and they were situated at its center, with all the stars and planets revolving around the Earth, they did not have any desire to leave their shining blue orb.

Much of the galaxy is attempting to leave the orb they are birthed on as quickly as they leave the womb, or egg, or spawning chamber and breathe their first gasp of noxious methane-filled air. This is not the situation the inhabitants of Earth find themselves in, and it may explain their lower-evolved state when compared with the larger galaxy.

Even the lowest creatures of Earth live relaxed lives and there is no push to evolve and seek out a better existence.

Another reason Earthlings have been stymied as far as communication with the rest of the universe has to do with the water that is so prevalent on the blue planet. The deepest depth of the deepest ocean on Earth is 6 miles down and the expanse of this world’s oceans are vast. Humans have spent the majority of their existence taming and conquering the sea. The sea has captivated mankind’s attention and it wasn’t until fairly recently that humankind even bothered to send a dog into space, let alone one of their own species.

Gravity is another consideration in the galactic anti-socialism of Earthlings. In order for Earthlings to break free of the bonds of gravity, they must travel 7 miles per second, a feat not possible for their natural form. They must use machinery to achieve this feat and cannot simply bounce into galactic exploration like the inhabitants of the Planet Hefaiziles in the Scuta-Crux arm of the galaxy. The Hefaizillians take their first steps immediately after birth and then just bounce away into the void and onward to one of the planets 80 moons.

Earthlings must develop a much higher amount of energy and fuel to break through the gravity that holds them tightly to the surface of the planet and this has set their civilization backward in both their ability to leave the Earth and to be visited by the inhabitants of other planets. The spacecrafts used by the civilizations in close enough proximity to visit the Earth are simply unprepared for the planets high amount of gravity and crumble into a zillion tiny pieces upon hitting the planet’s atmosphere.


Chief among the inhabitants of the Earth are the humans. They are the third most evolved form of life on the planet third to the mice, which are the highest evolved life form on the planet, and the dolphins, which are actually more intelligent than the humans, but are thought to be slightly less intelligent due to their less-verbal forms of communication.

Humans are among the most unpredictable species in all the galaxy. They spend thousands of their years fighting wars followed by a few decades pursing peace before going back to their warring nature.

It should be noted that throughout the galaxy there are war-mongering cultures and peace-seeking cultures, but until the discovery of humankind it was assumed that no species could simultaneously do both. The humanoids of Earth proved this theory incorrect, though most civilizations in the galaxy view this as an anomaly or an evolutionary error, rather than a useful function.


The Earth is unique among the planets in that it was commissioned and created for the purpose of hopefully discover the answer to what the ultimate question of life the universe and everything actually is. Due to a mishap with an earlier computer, the citizens of the galaxy are aware that the answer is 42, however the question itself has escaped our grasp.

The Earth was designed to answer this question, however, a meteor struck the planet killing off its most dominant life form several millions of years ago and allowed the humans to take control of the experiment. Their passion for frivolity has set the program the planet was running back several million years.

No plans have been made to right the experiment and “get things back on track” as the human-folk would say because the galaxy has quite simply grown tired of waiting for the answer, has given up on the Earth altogether, and figures that 42 is too simple an answer for such a complex and chaotic universe.

Get Updates By Email:


So empty here ... leave a comment!

Leave a Reply


%d bloggers like this: