In the current crisis caused by the coronavirus pandemic that has quite literally plagued the planet Earth, humankind has become keenly aware of its dependence upon one particular item they tend to take for granted.
In first few days of the outbreak, all members of the human species promptly rushed to their local marketplaces and purchased copious amounts of toilet paper.
Side Note: It should be noted here that unlike other species in the galaxy, Earth men and women do not have any biological facility for automatically cleaning the waste they produce as some more evolved lifeforms have. To that end, to prevent infection and to be a member of polite society, humankind uses tiny sheets of tissue paper to wipe their waste. This product has become widely known as toilet paper, named after the receptacle in which humankind deposits its waste.
This run on toilet paper left many members of the species who would never in their wildest dreams have imagined a shortage on tissue for wiping their posteriors to scratch their heads and wonder if they might be using leaves, socks, or tax forms to finish their bathroom business in the near future.
The shortage of toilet tissue has left many wondering what their alternatives may be, and has prompted quite a few people to install bidets in their homes.
If water shooting from the toilet into your anal canal is not exactly your cup of tea, there are some primitive methods used by early humans that may help. They are as follows.
- Leaves: An obvious choice, though it is highly recommended one check the type of leaf, as wiping with poison ivy or poison oak would be ill advised.
- Stones: If you are going to be roughing it during a quarantine, you might as well make it drastically rough.
- Corn Cobs: We shit you not, corn cobs were actually used on the blue planet for the purpose of toilet paper once upon a time. In agricultural areas that grew corn this was a rather common method, as dried up corn cobs were softer than straw, leaves or stones. According to the Farmer’s Almanac, even after the invention of toilet tissue, many in the Western United States still preferred using corn cobs.
- The Farmer’s Almanac: Indeed the Farmer’s Almanac was a popular choice in the days of outhouses for wiping one’s rear. Simply tear out a page and you have yourself a method that is less abrasive than a corn cob and less shocking than a bidet.
- The Sears Roebuck Catalog: Back in the days before the Internet, a publication more useful than this guide existed. Instead of containing questionable information, the Sears Roebuck Catalog contained valuable shopping information that would allow people to order goods and have them delivered to their homes. It was like Amazon without the one-click buying and crappy customer service. The Sears Roebuck also offered a shit-tonne of pages, which would make it the perfect preventative measure for a chapped hide.
- Newspapers: What could be a better source of toilet paper than 12 to 48 pages of primitive clickbait delivered to your home weekly or daily for the low low cost of 38 cents per day?
- The Phone Book: In the days before texting when people spoke words into a phone and their unfortunate victim would be forced to listen and speak words back, every human being with a telephone was assigned a number. These numbers were written down in massive volumes known as the phone book. Since the average person is only capable of getting along peaceably with four to 11 other people, this leaves pages by the score that can be repurposed for posterior protection.
We could make a few more suggestions, but the editors of The Guide are well aware that you are most likely reading this whilst sitting on the toilet and we know you have by this point about finished. Hopefully your options for your next step are better than a corn cob. Don’t forget to wash your hands.
By the way, some of your ancestors used their bare hands for these purposes and it shows.
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