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    Disclaimer

    For those who are unfamiliar with the concept of a hitchhiker’s guide, or who do not understand sarcasm, the primary purpose of this website is humor or parody. While the information here can and should be informative, it should also be taken with a rather large grain of salt.

    Should you find anything in The Guide that you disagree with or in fact know to be false, please do remember the golden rule first laid out in The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, “The Guide is definitive. Reality is frequently inaccurate.”

The Microwave Oven: The best thing since sliced bread

While most civilizations throughout the galaxy use microwave energy for things like communication, navigation, astronomy, and weaponry, the Earth is unique in the fact that most Earthlings associate the term “microwave” with food.

It isn’t that humans haven’t deployed microwave energy for the purposes listed above — indeed they have — it is just that humankind’s gluttonous soul always takes over, and this may be the chief reason Earthlings haven’t taken over the galaxy by now.

Instead of following the example of the Nanathean culture, which it is said occupied a rather cushy planet near the galaxy’s center, and deploying microwave energy for the soul purpose of vanquishing all civilizations within a 50 light year radius over a period of 6 centuries, Earthlings mostly deploy microwaves to heat their food.

Side Note: Hot food is another interesting quirk of Earth. Humans pride themselves with the fact that at some point early in their history their ancestors “invented” fire and used it not just to keep warm or destroy their enemies, but also to heat their food. While not a novel idea in the universe, the creatures of Earth are more prone to comfort due to their beautiful and comfortable surroundings and therefore are less likely to settle for cold food. Also, their planet is quite warm compared to other planets in the galaxy and thus warmth is an expectation even for their tastebuds. It should be noted though that for Earthlings who wish to take up hitchhiking across the galaxy, that only about 31% of all known civilizations heat their food before eating it. As another side note, there are at least 3 known cultures that heat their food after eating it.

Back to microwaves and food. In the Earth year of 1947, Earth man Percy Spencer discovered that microwaves being used as radar began to melt a chocolate bar he had in his pocket. Well, at first he probably thought he had had an unfortunate bout of incontinence but then he remembered the chocolate bar in his pocket.

Percy then set out to see what else he could microwave. Ironically, the first food he intentionally microwaved was popcorn, which has become a big business and a staple of the modern microwave oven.

By 1972, the microwave oven was being used for cooking in homes. Humans and Americans in particular are not fond of patience or waiting. Humans have a limited lifespan of roughly 80 years, well below the galactic average of 236 years. (All years have been converted to Earth time.) Thus, they simply don’t have the luxury of waiting longer than a few minutes for food and shan’t be bothered with taking six days to prepare a meal like the inhabitants of the planet Keira XR4C, who spend an Earth week preparing for one massive meal.

The microwave oven solves this problem quite nicely for humans by reducing tasks that once took hours into mere minutes. Of course, for larger cooking feats like cooking a Turkey, the microwave is simply not an option.

A word of warning though, if you come from a culture that cooks food and takes quite a while doing it, you must know that microwaved food is most assuredly an acquired taste. Once you acquire it you will not notice until you happen to eat food cooked in a more traditional way again, which for most American families simply does not happen.

The microwave produces what humans call in their vernacular “that microwave taste.” It is an aftertaste that accompanies all microwave food and is created by the energy from the waves nuking ones taste buds. Don’t worry, you’ll learn to enjoy your newfound reduction of function in your sense of taste.


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